To whoever may come across and read the following; first allow me to thank you for taking the time what has much of my time and will to put into words, second this work was created for one individual who is such a true brother he desired to remain updated on the Chapter of the Fraternity in which he is a crucial member. All information which follows from now until our esteemed brother returns is true in the eyes of the author, however names of the brothers may be slightly altered, changed completely, or remain the same so as not to incriminate or offend the brothers (only those with personal contact with the specific chapter of the specific fraternity herein named can tell the difference).
Our Esteemed Brother,
I your humble servant and loyal friend have undertaken the great calling you have thus placed upon me to document and record the history and interactions of our proud and noble chapter… Who are we kidding, most of the stuff you are going to read here will consist of the day to day activities you know you miss; who is fighting with whom and over what, who is banging who and how it happened, who got drunk and what happened to them in their stupor, and occasionally the true progress we have made as a brotherhood. I will do my best to include everyone in my correspondence but let us face the facts; some of them can be really boring and may get a sentence at best. This first letter is written to you on Sunday before the start of our spring term, and all that happened before classes officially recommence.
The Asian Persuasion arrived home from his stint in Korea a better person, moved in with Rockstar, and they are living the dream I assure you. Patches has officially disconnected from the She-Patch, to the jubilant dismay of all, mostly Hollywood. Hollywood now has to deal with rando’s coming back to his room, Patches going missing and being moody, and loud music and games. Hammy and The Bearded One are still shooting each other with dart guns every 15 minutes. Woody continues to be… himself, you will hear shortly through more official and appropriate channels. It is all so fucking hilarious, if you will forgive my language. Bro-Cal is working and doing what he always does. Your favorite Chess player is leading us in all the right direction, but he is going crazy with some of the crap we face day to day, he is yet to read the book you sent him. He is still with his little lady friend, who lives in the female dorm on campus so now it is a short trek. The Bearded One lives in your room with his brother where many games are played, naps are taken, and afternoon “study sessions” abound. The terrible threesome in the tower are fantastic, living the dream they would tell you. Pippin is troublesome as usual, however he still holding onto his squeeze. Boo-boo and Harlequin are still living in the underworld, and are quirky as ever, being from WI changes a man I do believe. The mMm is alive and well working hard and continuing to expand the ever growing legacy, more specifics to come I am sure. Boomy, I never see him, so I cannot help you, same with Grandpappy… Yellow fever is still on the hunt, he and the Brown Ninja go everywhere together and make sure to always record their activities and recount them at every possible instance the Brown Ninja and Yellow Fever are always scurrying around campus and misbehaving with such antics such as late night Taco Bell runs and games late at night as well as nerf fights and assassination missions when no one is expecting it. . Last night Boo-boo, Rockstar, mMm, and the Bearded One all went to the Erin(n)’s apartment to a social gathering and ended up playing quarters with whiskey and grapefruit soda. Needed to say only the Rockstar was unfazed.
On Saturday Bearded was sick and spent the day with his lady friend instead of going to the track meet, that evening Meyer decided to drink an entire fifth of tequila (which he did successfully) during which time Sunshine and Patches won 10 games of beer pong and Boomer, Robin, mMm, Boo-boo, Red Steele and Hollywood all played card games with Dale until they were good and sloshed. Later in the evening Robin left with a nice lady who escorted him to Greene, Hollywood walked Steele back, Boo-Boo made a new lady friend and took her home, and mMm, Patches, and Sunshine all freestyled until the wee hours of the morning. Because of MLK Day the three day weekend led to a succession of terrible decisions which all started off innocently enough. Sunday night the brothers all purchased Nerf guns and had an epic battle, Patches bought the biggest most expensive gun he could find of course. Rockstar and Hollywood both needed to come in a close second. Everyone else bought revolver type guns and had a fantastic battle in the hallway with drunk Deltas and each other. After this happened we all (Robin, Paris, Sunshine, Hollywood, Boo-Boo, mMm) went from 9th Murray and progressed floor by floor until we reached the basement where we found and startled 15 or so Murray-folk watching Star Wars. After a successful reconnaissance mission we then invaded Schut’s apartment and shot them up real well.
At this point returning from the apartments we found Rockstar, Paris, and Patches all wasted and ready to go to White House. Accompanying them there we regretted the decision because of the nature of the house and our sobriety. In the house we saw unspeakable things and left the lushes to do what they will. Boo-Boo, his lady friend and mMm returned to mMm’s room to drink and watch movies. She, being a trollop, invited her friend over to join us. Then this girl became ill because she is a freshman unaccustomed to such large amounts of alcohol, Boo-Boo tended to her while mMm was sleeping on the couch with the friend in the room as well. He awoke to her biting his neck. “Stop, that hurts.” Received a response from her.
“Don’t be a pussy.” He was so drunk he could not defend himself and had a bite mark on his neck and ribs, not to be confused with a hickey. It was a BITE MARK. Boo-Boo and his tart slept on the leather couch, mMm in the hammock a safe distance from all teeth, and the chomper on the small couch alone after being told to fuck off for her being so damn crazy.
This is week one. Stay warm, safe, and for the love of God DO NOT get bitten by some crazy drunk chick while you are sleeping.
